Thoughts on Regret

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

I recently was introduced to an interesting Canadian TV show that is focused on the regrets that we have in our lives. The story centers on a character who has the opportunity to relive various times in her life that she regrets as a 32 year old living life in Toronto. Invariably she goes back to relive the regret, only to find herself making the same mistakes she did initially or in her attempts to make things better, she actually makes them worse; much worse in some cases. And yet.. on those times when she just allows herself to learn from the past, she gains tremendous insight into herself. Into her story, and sometimes into the stories of the characters around her. Our past influences our life in powerful ways. It is different to live in regret than to learn from those things that we regret, to somehow embrace the regret rather than being defined by those things that we are not proud of.

I have always loved the idea of time travel. What fun it would be to peek into the early lives of my parents? How interesting to see the story of my grandparents first-hand? And yes, there are times when I wonder what it would be like to do things differently..

It seems like we all have various regrets in our life. I know that I certainly do, what if I had stayed with my college education without interruption? Would I be further along in my career? Or have I learned deep lessons from my stops and starts, that bring compassion to my teaching that I may not have otherwise? What about the people whom I have met? Yes, some have broken my heart, some I have disappointed, some have left this life in tragic ways. Yet each one has impacted my story in ways that I am sure that I do not fully understand.

As I watch my daughter move into middle school, I so want to save her from making any mistakes. Okay, maybe I will let her make "little" mistakes that build character. You know, getting a low grade on a report card so that she can learn the value of studying.. Trying out for a sports team that may stretch her in uncomfortable ways.

What about those life defining times that can be experienced as regret? I so what her to live a life where she can stand tall as a woman, embrace the future with hope, fall down and stand back up again.

I wish that life did not include pain. I do... I wish that teenage daughters did not struggle to connect with their mothers, I wish that chemicals did not try to destroy the lives of creative sons, I wish that mothers were all able to confidently raise their children, I wish that families did not have to chose between paying for rent and buying food. And yet, this is the world around us. The world that my 12 year old is coming of age in.

And you know what? I cannot save her from all of the mistakes that come ahead. I cannot protect her heart from heartbreak. I can only hold her, and point her to the One who fully understands her heart and knows her future. The One who knows my fear and my hope. The One who has created this lovely story that continues to enfold us everyday.

Today is the first day of Advent. We focus today on Hope. Christ is hope in the midst of darkness. "The essence of Advent is to anticipate Christ." (Heather Thomas Imago Dei) In a very real way, this Rite of Passage in Paige's life echoes Advent. As she moves into a new stage in her life, she can have confidence because Christ has come. There will be dark times in our journey where that will be hard to see, but the light will always be there.

It has been such a blessing in our family to experience the rhythms of Advent and Lent. I love the reminder each year of God's faithfulness.

I hope that you find yourself refreshed by His Hope today.

Blessings,

Beautiful picture

I recently saw this video, and was struck by the beauty depicted in the relationship between this father and son.

This picture beautifully captures what we are called to as parents. To stand with our children in those defining moments. To be present with them in the midst of loss and disappointment. To give them a place to fail with security.

http://youtu.be/kZlXWp6vFdE

She Laughs at the Future

Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.

You know those calendars that have a saying for each day of the year? I have one on motherhood that I have been reading for years. Some of the sayings are so familiar that I just smile when I see the calendar flip to that day. Others hit me in a new way each time depending on where life finds me at that moment. A few weeks ago, this verse popped up, and caused me to stop in my get ready routine and really think about this idea.

"She laughs without fear of the future." I love that.. I desire that, but if I am honest I do not always live into that. I mean, really? Have you read the news lately? Today.. the top headlines are of a 19 year who was murdered in a completely senseless crime (is there ever a murder that makes sense?), followed by a story of an elderly couple who decided that death was the only way to escape the pains of this life. This is the life that my daughter is moving into? This is where I am called to look into the future with hope?

How? I don't think that it is about me being super mom (although I try). I think that it is more about knowing that my daughter is loved more than I love her! I remember years ago saying this very thing to a friend of mine who had anxiety about the future of her then pre-adolescent son. "You know, God loves him more than you do." I said this with all of the confidence of someone who had not yet become a mother. And today as I sit her thinking about what the next few years may hold for my daughter, these words resound in my mind again. But now, I understand the pain of mothering. Yes, being a mother is beautiful. Watching my daughter play volleyball with confidence, hearing and seeing her take in the world with enthusiasm. This is beautiful, but it is also painful. I once read that having a child is like having a piece of your heart walk around outside of your body everyday. So true! Even in moments when I preoccupied with some other task, I am aware of my daughter and carrying her with me.

So, laughing at the future? Impossible alone. Impossible when I am caught in the swirl of my thoughts. But completely possible when I am reminded of God's love for her. And you know.. that love is made even more tangible through the love of our community. As I see people (especially other women) delighting in her. I cannot help but feel hope. I cannot help but be reminded that we are not alone in this, that tomorrow will be what it will be but not imposssible.

That is such a comforting thought, and one that in those times of "what if" I rest in!

Image

This month I have been thinking a lot about image.. Mostly body image, but also the images that we have of ourselves. Living in a culture with so many visual images, I am really aware of how my daughter is perceiving beauty. A while ago some videos put out by Dove captured this idea in a video as part of their Campaign for Real Beauty:

Eek.. Even in a household with limited television, this is a reminder that images of beauty swirl all around us. A few months ago I was really thinking about how to impress a different picture of beauty in my daughter. As I watched an episode of Glee (I know, I know.. much can be said about Glee, BUT this episode had some powerful things to say about the images that we have of ourselves) I found myself sitting in the quiet of my living room with tears as I watched the characters of the show wrestle with what it means to be beautiful. In the storyline one of the main characters admits that she got a nose job in middle school in an effort to look the part of cheerleader beauty. Perhaps a wee bit hokey, but this idea that a young girl would drastically change her body out of a desire to fit in hit me hard.

Throughout history girls have done terrible things to their body in desperate attempts to fit some norm. So, as the mother of a girl moving into adolescence, is there any way that I can help her to navigate something different? Honestly, I know that I cannot shield her from every demeaning picture of women that is out there. I cannot keep her completely away from music that tears women down. I can, however, help her learn to think. Lately music has been a big deal in our house as Paige gets to break in her new nano. And while I am admittedly completely behind the times with music (I am just now in my mid-thirties really listening to U2), I am trying to enter into her world and interests. We have been listening to the music that she likes on You Tube, with the lyrics. That's been fun. And out of that we have had some good conversations.. "Do you really think that about women?" "What do you think about this language?" "No, my dear you are not downloading that song."

As I watched the Glee episode, my tears were begging for an answer on how to help my lovely daughter navigate this time in her life. The thought came to my mind of being a mirror. Mirror back to her a healthy body image. Wowzers.. Really? You mean, I have to like my body? I have to be happy with a thirty something figure that doesn't fit into the same jeans that it used to a few years ago? My husband often tells me that he thinks I am beautiful, and more often than not, my response? To shrug it off and say, "you have to say that." To live into this idea of image, is to embrace how God made me. To live what I preach rather than simply talk, talk, talk. Simply, to stand against culture is to believe something different myself. That is not always easy, but really true.

I certainly cannot say that I have had no trouble with this idea since my mid-night epiphany, but I can say that I do get it. I get that God has placed me in this position of mother for a purpose. Not to be perfect, but to be a reminder that we are created in His image. Created with a purpose, out of love.

I would love to hear your ideas on this. Have you raised a teenage girl, or two, or four? Have you wrestled with beauty yourself? What gives you encouragement? What helps you to stand against a culture with such narrow definitions of beauty?

Endurance

This is my word for June. In May my daughter received an award for Endurance at her school. If there is a word that captures her, this would really be it and what a beautiful picture. Her teacher had words that were so deeply encouraging, and a reminder of the character that God is developing in my girl's heart.

I have been reflecting on the concept of endurance over the past month or so. What does that mean? What does that mean in a culture with marriages crumbling, youth falling to the temptations of a quick fix, the lure of finding the "ideal" career? How do we develop endurance in our lives? In the lives of our children?

Endurance is more than just pulling the blankets over our head, and praying that our trials will come to an end. (This is my tendency.) It is crying out in faith, and pressing forward in spite of every desire to run the other way. It is funny, as I write this I have the picture of pressing forward in the middle of a torrential rain storm (I live in the Pacific NW, the metaphor is never far from reality), but here is the question: should the image be one of the solitary figure pushing through the storm alone? That is certainly the image handed to me from my ancestors. Go West Young Man.. alone. What if instantly in my mind the image came up of pushing through the rain storm, and then looking to the side and seeing dear friends standing with me in the storm. Friends on their knees in prayer, friends offering a warm meal, friends crying tears along with me? As the mother of a pre-teen it is very difficult not to feel the potential of storm swirling about. I have watched the teens of dear friends struggle as they try to navigate the many obstacles of modern life. I have watched my friends question whether they can ask for help, as shame encircles their family. We have been told for many decades that "bad" children are the simple result of "bad" parenting. One results from the other. Sigh.. thank you simple Psychology. I should probably confess that I have a Masters in Counseling Psychology. I think that there are valuable tools to be learned from the study of human development and Psychology, but I also know that simplistic understandings of complex dynamics are destined to create misunderstandings. Humans are crazy complex, and modern adolescence may be one of the most complex times.

There is no doubt that parents have the number one influence in the lives of their children, but if parents feel that there is no place where they can honestly shares their triumphs and failures we are ensuring that they will not be able to endure all that they are called to in this most sacred of positions.

I am convinced that we are called to walk alongside each other in the darkest times. In the times when nothing makes sense. We are not called to endure alone, but to endure surrounded by those who can believe when we simply do not have the strength.
This year I look forward to pressing into endurance, choosing faith even in the midst of fear. I simply cannot do this alone. I am so thankful for friends and family to hear, friends and family to pray, friends and family to love!

Inspiration...

This spring I had the joy of attending a Bat Mitzvah celebration for the daughter of a friend. My friend took the Bat Mitzvah concept and modified it to reflect the values of their family. As we sat at the celebration in March, my heart was inspired to do something similar. Over the past year I have become more and more convinced that our teens are receiving a message that maturity means independence. I know that is the message that I have consumed. But what if true maturity is interdependence?? What if we are called to ask for help MORE as we get older, not less? Young adults are expected to make major decisions completely alone in our culture today. Decisions about sex, drugs, careers.... fight for the attention of our young people. Sure parents are told to stay involved, but in a culture that prides itself on doing things our way that involvement is often tenuous at best. As my husband and I discussed how we can move into our daughter's 13th year, we decided to make community the center of the celebration.

We asked four women to join us over the next year. Ranging in age from early 30s to middle 70s these women have stories to share on the joys and struggles that life has laid out for them. At the heart they each have a deep faith in God who has and is faithful to carry them through. It is my prayer that these relationships will be reminders to my daughter that she is not alone. That she is not the first to feel like she does not fit in, that she is not the first to wonder what the future will hold, that she is not the first to love and have that love misunderstood. We asked the women to commit to the next year with our family. We will meet as a group every other month starting in June. We will read a few books that tell the story of coming of age. Then on the off months, one of the ladies will take her out for some one-on-one time. The idea is not to lecture or lay out five easy steps through middle school, but rather to share our lives. I believe that there is power in this.

I am excited about this year. I am excited to step into 13 with hope rather than only fear. But yes.. I do have fears, and that is what this blog is about. I do not want to try and speak for my daughter. It is not my intention to share her perspective on this stage in her life, but rather to share mine. My hopes, dreams, fears, doubts. How do I hope to raise a 13 year old girl in a culture that threatens her very spirit? How do I cling to faith when stories of brokenness surround us?

Thank you for taking the time to share in this journey with us! Please take a moment to write comments/thoughts/questions.

Many blessings,

Krys